Here For the Memories
A thought-provoking audio memoir shorts filled with stories, humor, anecdotes, and commentary on social, cultural, business, and religious issues. Whatever Linden remembers and thinks will entertain, challenge, and inform is a possible subject.
Here For the Memories
Running For Office...and Trying To Lose
Ever wondered what happens when a reluctant slacker with zero political ambitions gets roped into running for office at a college steeped in Southern Baptist tradition? Join Linden Wolfe as he hilariously navigates through his only encounter with politics, all thanks to a wager and the irresistible promise of $10 worth of pizza. This episode of "Here for the Memories" takes you through a tale of absurdity and irony, where an entirely unserious campaign boasts nothing but a pledge to bring scandal, all while poking fun at the institution's self-righteousness.
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Here For the Memories
Here for the memories thought-provoking audio memoir shorts filled with stories, humor, anecdotes and commentary on social, cultural, business and religious issues. Whatever Lyndon remembers and thinks will entertain, challenge and inform is a possible subject. The collection of memories about one's life allows for the development and refinement of a sense of self, including who one is, how one has changed and what one might be like in the future.
Speaker 2:Greetings and salutations. I'm Lyndon Wolfe and you have joined my audio memoir here for the Memories. I'm so glad you joined and, just like voting, come early and come often. Speaking of voting, this story is about my only foray into politics and it serves as a reminder that I should never do so again. Someone demanded, thought it was a good idea their visage should be prominently displayed on the wall of shame and the museum of bad ideas. I don't recall who that individual was, nor who the conspiring parties were, but their cockamamie scheme was to coerce me into running for office. Their intimate knowledge of my checkered past gave them much-needed leverage. Blackmail is a powerful tool when properly deployed.
Speaker 2:So I ran the office, was senator, to be more specific, junior class senator at my Christian college, no less, for the impotent facade called the Student Government Association, the SGA. This body was filled with political science majors and politician wannabes. They met often but wielded zero influence. They introduced, debated and passed inconsequential bills the college administration mockingly and blatantly ignored. Who cares if the SGA has deemed a particular parking spot to be a safety hazard to a drunken, blind pedestrian at 3 am, or that the panty raid tradition the first week of the school year should be limited to between 9 and 9.15 on Wednesday night of that week. The bulk of the campus, especially the boys, believed that the panty raids were timeless and unable to be bound by such constraints. Raids were timeless and unable to be bound by such constraints.
Speaker 2:Anyway, being the slacker that I was, I resisted the offer of running for office. For me to run was ridiculous, but their insistence was incessant. Finally, a wager tipped the scale. Incessant. Finally, a wager tipped the scale. If you run, someone said I'll give you $10 if you win. And the Vegas bookies shook in their boots. Game on, I said, before realizing that I was betting that I would lose, which kind of sounds like the value proposition of life insurance. My opponent was formidable, armed with knowledge I did not have, like what a constitution is and why we have one. She was quite serious, which elevated my odds of collecting the $10 pizza money. But I was concerned that my aloof and apathetic persona might captivate the voting masses and propel me to a resounding victory and rabid popularity. Being mysterious, I've been told, can elicit brain chemical changes that make people do very irrational and petulant things.
Speaker 2:With these prospects, although highly unlikely, of a win in my political bed and the loss of $10, I recruited a rather dull and uninspired track teammate to craft my campaign slogan and my platform. He struggled but eventually conjured up Make America Great Again, which I tweaked into You're Better Off Without Me. My platform was trickier but more simple. I promised, in grandiose political fashion, only two things a sex and financial scandal if elected. A couple of times I promoted my candidacy just outside the cafeteria with a crude display loosely placed on an overused card table Vote for the other person. My placard said I added, with letters even too small for an aunt to read. All I can assure you is that my election will generate scandal that taints the reputation of our self-righteous Southern Baptist institution. The ball cap, the one I wore across the campus constantly and in the classroom, was adorned with a notebook paper message glued to its front and back. The front said vote for the other person. The back said whoever they are. Unfortunately, whoever they are had built her campaign on my ridicule-worthy campaign.
Speaker 2:She challenged me to a debate. I was reluctant since I was concerned some topics might include governance-related subjects or legislative procedure questions, when I was hoping really for debate on the existence of God or something to that effect. I had no way to prep but no way to avoid this confrontation. I was squeamish, but I accepted the challenge and, due to the notoriety of our hotly contested race hotly contested only because she was hot a sizable crowd had assembled. Being the gentleman that I am, I deferred to her for the opening remarks and she began.
Speaker 2:She was nervous, but articulate and well-prepared.
Speaker 2:Once she concluded, it was my turn and this is what I said the only thing I have to offer is the promise of sex and financial scandal.
Speaker 2:Her presentation was brilliant and I said I hope your loyalty to me and my campaign is enough that you will vote for her, just like I am. The applause was deafening until I raised my hand to quiet the raucous crowd. Then I looked directly at my adversary and said you win the debate and the election Govern well. And that was that, until two days later, when the votes were tallied and I was elected the newest junior class senator. That role was the most boring stuff ever until the SGA president started dating the SGA treasurer of all things and, shockingly, the books were no longer in balance. Both, ultimately, were impeached, giving full validity to my two campaign promises. I'm Lyndon Wolfe and you've been listening to my audio memoir here for the memories. I pray that your memories are humorous and encouraging, hopeful and helpful, and as you look back on your life, you do so with a smile, and that smile continues day in and day out.
Speaker 1:BuyMeACoffeecom slash here for the memories. That's BuyMeACoffeecom slash here for the memories. Also, hit one of those buttons down there that encourages Lyndon to keep at it. Much appreciated.
